Early Bird

A barechested Bob woke me up at 7:15 AM. Church would not commence for another two hours, but there was an urgent need for me to button his Sunday shirt. I did, without complaining. At 7:25, he reentered the room. "I need you to do my cuffs too." I did, with clearly visible, yet undetected, consternation. At 7:30, a loud 'BEEP' forces my eyes open again, "What are you doing!?" Bob, awkwardly bent over the voicemail machine located just inside my bedroom door, replies, "Checking my messages." "It's 7:30 in the morning! Why are you doing all these things?" "Oh!" came his surprised response, and he left the room. As soon as my head hit the pillow, a timid knock breaks the short silence. "WHAT!?" An 80-year-old head peeps out from behind the door, "I misread the clock---" "OK. OK. That's fine. I know." "I thought it said 8:30 instead of 7:30."

Lazy

I enter the house to find Bob sitting in his recliner watching TV. As I take a seat on the couch, he tells me, "While I was sitting here earlier, I spilled half a bowl of cereal in my lap and down my leg, bran flakes, milk, and all." "That stinks. Did you wash yourself off?" "Well, I ate the bran flakes and I'm dry now, so..." He shrugs.

Sugarmomma

While watching TV, Bob and I see a commercial with Betty White. "Would you go on a date with her, Bob?" "Yeah," came the thought-out reply, "because she would spend all her money on me." "Use her for her money? She's your sugarmomma." I say. Bob thought on that for a little while, "You're living with me, so I'm your sugarmomma." I could scarcely react to this awkward statement, "First, you have NO idea what you're saying. Second, its sugardaddy." "Oh OK, I'm your sugardaddy." "Stop."

Homecoming

My brothers, Bob, and I attended the homecoming football game this past Friday. In spite of his renowned severe case of acid reflux, Bob thought it prudent to scarf down a barbaque sandwich at half time. At the beginning of the fourth quarter, Bob tells me, "I threw up three times on the track." I look up to see th...ree pools of shimmering orange on the track surrounding the field. "I don't know you."

The Gump

While watching the 80's movie "Big", Bob leaps about half-way out of his chair exclaiming, "That is the Gump! That is the guy on the Gump!!!" Without even turning my head, I ask "What is the Gump?" knowing he has no idea what is talking about. "The Gump!" he says again pointing at the screen. Ah, now I see. "Yes, Bob, Tom Hanks is the Gump." I smile as Bob reclines again, basking in the pride of identifying a pop culture icon.

Toenails

Bob gave me $10 to cut his toenails. 9 of his 10 nails are corn kernal yellow. The big toenails are about 3x thicker/longer than the average man's. Accumulated dead skin under each nail compounded my clipping difficulties. It was the nails' texture that finally convinced me that it was a bad deal. Each surface was characterized by crevices, ridges, and gorges that would be a topographer's worst nightmare. I only gagged twice.

Potato Chips

When Bob eats potato chips, he takes a handful out of the bag and stuffs them in his mouth all at once. This did not bother me until I began to notice that he would lick his entire index finger before putting his hand back into the bag. I decided I needed to say something to him when potato chips were sticking to my fi...ngers after I packed my lunch for work. Apparently, empty calories are the least of my worries.

Roller Coaster

Yesterday Bob, who turns 80 in September, decided that he was going to go to Kings Dominion and ride the rollercoasters. He was especially excited to ride the new Intimidator305. Here is the description of this rollercoaster. It is he tallest and fastest roller coaster of its type on the East Coast. It is only the second giga-coaster ever built in North America. It is 305 feet tall or roughly the size of a 30 story building. It descends 300 feet at an 85 degree-angle at speeds in excess of 90 miles per hour.

Now, no amount of talk from me could convince him that this probably wasn't the best idea in the world. In fact, he told me "I bet lots of 90 years olds have ridden it." Yeah, right. Tons, I'm sure.

Anyway, he gets there and decides to ride the Volcano as a warm-up...his first ride upon entering the park. He terms this a "middle of the road" rollercoaster. The Volcano goes from about 0 to 70 in 2 seconds. He decides, despite the warnings of the park personnel to put your head against the head rest, to lean forward and close his eyes. When this thing takes off, his head shoots back like he has been hit from behind by a tractor trailer smashing his head into the head rest. This coaster catapults straight up and starts doing loopty-loops. Bob says "I really thought I was going to die."

Long story short, the great rollercoaster experiment ends with a bad case of vertigo, a bad headache and a case of whiplash, but no Intimidator305. Makes me wonder how so many 90 year olds are riding this thing.

Honey

Most Thursday nights, Bob takes me to KFC. On one particular outing, he instructed me to go to the register and get him some honey packets. I should have refused, but I didn't know he would spend the remainder of the meal poking holes in the packets with his fork and sucking all the honey out of them into his mouth. For "dessert", he ingested about ten of those packets. Bob the bumble bee.

Rude Boy II

Bob's new ringtone rang for the first time in a public setting last night. The song Rude Boy blared at highest volume in his Tuesday night bible class. To my surprise and amusement, he is keeping the ringtone. I am positive he is unaware of the song's connotations. So, whenever you hear the voice of Rihanna blasting out inappropriate lyrics, think of Bob. It might not hurt to took for him too.

Rude Boy

Bob has a cell phone. Well, sort of. He leaves it in the charger all day and has never taken it anywhere. He uses the eraser-side of an orange pencil to push the buttons because his fingers can't. He "doesn't know how" to receive calls; he only uses it for outgoing calls. So, I suppose I shouldn't feel too guilty for secretly purchasing Rihanna's "Rude Boy" to be his default ringtone. Don't tell him.

Ballin

Yesterday, Bob and I were playing "basketball" at the YMCA. Most of the time, Bob pulled out his best imitation of Jerry West by attempting hook and granny shots that would normally fall about five feet short of the hoop. However, I will always remember him trying to dribble, pulling up, and swishing a 3 pointer from d...owntown. He gives me a sheepish grin upon seeing my stunned face. Bob be ballin.

Solar Powered

While cleaning in the kitchen, Bob turned to me, pulled out an old Texas Instuments calculator, and bragged, "I have had this calculator for the past 40 years and it still works." "Great," I said without looking up. I then glanced over and saw him place the calculator in the middle of a sunbeam on a window sill. Knowing what he was doing, I asked, "Why are you putting that there?" "You see this little thing here? It's solar powered; it needs the sun." "It doesn't need the sun."

Thunderstorm

 I woke up to the sound of my bedroom door opening. At 5:06 AM, in peers the scantily-clad silhouette of Bob. "What do you want?", I ask. "There's a thunderstorm outside," he replies. With that, he closes my door and goes back to his room. All of a sudden, the storm that could not wake me before prohibits my returning to sleep now. However, thanks to the maroon-robed wonder, I'm now aware there is a storm outside.

Mneumonic

Bob's version of the following mnemonic: "Thirty days have September, April, June, and November. All the rest have thirty-one... but February... rides a bike and eats peanut butter." Just a friendly reminder to all of us to quit while we're ahead.

Diet

Last night, Bob looked at me and proclaimed, "I am going to eat healthier." With that, he took a handful of extra frozen fruit and poured it on top of his cereal mountain which he was preparing for the following morning. It took a little longer than I thought, but 30 minutes later, he proceeded to ask, "When would you like to go to CiCi's?" I buried my face in my hands and replied, "We aren't going to CiCi's again."

Old Food

Today, I went in the fridge to find some mustard for my sandwich. I just happened to check the expiration date which said 9-12-1996. I informed Bob that his mustard dated back to Bill Clinton's first term in office, and he scoffed, "Oh, those expiration dates are big scams to get you to buy more food." Or to keep you alive.

Ice Cream

The other night, Bob took out a newly bought half gallon of PET butter pecan ice cream. I went upstairs to do some homework for a little while. By the time I get back down, I notice an empty ice cream carton in the recycling. I go into the living room to confirm my suspicions. He sheepishly replies, "I took a couple bites, and before I knew it, it was gone." By that point, I was more impressed than anything else.

Santa Baby

Bob's taste in music is about as narrow as possible. Since I have lived in his house, Bob has popped only one CD in the CD player. It has ten tracks; all ten are Madonna's version of "Santa Baby". He will sit in his recliner and listen to the CD play all the way through. So, which is more strange? Bob listening to Christmas music in March? Or Bob listening to Madonna? How about both at the same time.

The Movies

 I ask Bob whether he might want to go to the movie theatre at some point. He gives me a funny look and replies, "I haven't been there in a while." "What did you see last time you went?" He pauses for a minute while trying to remember, "I think it was E.T."