Bob and I were sitting in the family room watching "Mayberry" (The Andy Griffith Show), when all of a sudden I found myself in this conversation:
Bob: "Who was Hannibal Lecter?"
Gray: "A cannibal"
Bob: "I know he was Hannibal."
Gray: "No, a cannibal. Hannibal Lecter was a cannibal."
(a short pause)
Bob: "Hannibal was a cannibal." (longer pause) "And wasn't he from Spain?"
Gray: (turning my head) "What???"
Bob: "You know...He was the guy who had the elephants."
Gray: "What are you even saying?" "Oh wait...You're talking about the Phoenician general Hannibal from Roman times. Hannibal Lecter is completely different from him."
Bob: "Oh OK. Yeah, that Hannibal." "Hannibal the cannibal."
Gray: (hand to face)
Context:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannibal
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hannibal_Lecter
Bob is my 80 year old grandfather, but I call him Bob instead of grandfather. Always have. I moved from my parent's house in January 2010 to Bob's house. Bob is eccentric, even as far as old men go. I always appreciated it, but I was never quite exposed to it this much. Now, I want everyone to know about my experiences. You may laugh, but I shake my head. All of these short stories are true. They are not fabricated or exaggerated. They are Bob at his finest. If 'finest' is the right word
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Rude Boy III
Before I leave for the gym, I go downstairs to get breakfast. A repairman is working on the washing machine in the kitchen. Bob's phone goes off blaring Rihanna's "Rude Boy". A bewildered repairman asks, "Is that yours?" "Nope, my grandfather is a big fan. He has had that ringtone for several months now."
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Early Bird
A barechested Bob woke me up at 7:15 AM. Church would not commence for another two hours, but there was an urgent need for me to button his Sunday shirt. I did, without complaining. At 7:25, he reentered the room. "I need you to do my cuffs too." I did, with clearly visible, yet undetected, consternation. At 7:30, a loud 'BEEP' forces my eyes open again, "What are you doing!?" Bob, awkwardly bent over the voicemail machine located just inside my bedroom door, replies, "Checking my messages." "It's 7:30 in the morning! Why are you doing all these things?" "Oh!" came his surprised response, and he left the room. As soon as my head hit the pillow, a timid knock breaks the short silence. "WHAT!?" An 80-year-old head peeps out from behind the door, "I misread the clock---" "OK. OK. That's fine. I know." "I thought it said 8:30 instead of 7:30."
Monday, January 10, 2011
Tuna
"Tuna makes me burp, burp, burp." Bob said as he sat back in his chair at the kitchen table. I take a look at the empty tuna can,"Its probably not tuna in general that makes you burp as much as it is 22 year old canned fish meat. This tuna is from '89."
Interesting Perspectives:
Some species of tuna only live 6-7 years.
Even though it expired in '89, the can of tuna itself probably predated my birth (1986).
Bob's lunch, in effect, predated the conception of the modern nation of Russia (est. 1991), the fall of the Berlin wall (Nov. 1989)
Poison's "Every Rose has Its Thorn" was #1 on the billboard charts.
Interesting Perspectives:
Some species of tuna only live 6-7 years.
Even though it expired in '89, the can of tuna itself probably predated my birth (1986).
Bob's lunch, in effect, predated the conception of the modern nation of Russia (est. 1991), the fall of the Berlin wall (Nov. 1989)
Poison's "Every Rose has Its Thorn" was #1 on the billboard charts.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Lazy
I enter the house to find Bob sitting in his recliner watching TV. As I take a seat on the couch, he tells me, "While I was sitting here earlier, I spilled half a bowl of cereal in my lap and down my leg, bran flakes, milk, and all." "That stinks. Did you wash yourself off?" "Well, I ate the bran flakes and I'm dry now, so..." He shrugs.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Sugarmomma
While watching TV, Bob and I see a commercial with Betty White. "Would you go on a date with her, Bob?" "Yeah," came the thought-out reply, "because she would spend all her money on me." "Use her for her money? She's your sugarmomma." I say. Bob thought on that for a little while, "You're living with me, so I'm your sugarmomma." I could scarcely react to this awkward statement, "First, you have NO idea what you're saying. Second, its sugardaddy." "Oh OK, I'm your sugardaddy." "Stop."
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Glasses
Bob is in the bathroom and I can hear him saying, "Oh gosh, oh wonderful, oh me." "What's the problem?" I call out. "I dropped my glasses and their case in the toilet." "Did you already pee???" "Yeah," comes the forced reply. After a few seconds, Bob enters the living room. Wide-eyed I say, "I really hope you washed those off." "Yeah, but I had to fish them out with my hand." I partially tuned out his response; I was more focused on the wet spot forming around his shirt pocket.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Orange Bowl
Watching Orange Bowl, Bob is explaining something to me. I cant hear him because I am not listening, but also because the TV is on volume 89. For about 5 minutes, I was nodding my head and inserting "yeah" here and there, then I gave up. Is he talking about the game? His day? I don't know... He ended his story with a good laugh. I gave a response chuckle, which prompted him to bellow an hardier laugh with one snort.
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